After another endless night of pain, preceded by years of endless days and nights of pain, I find myself debating death.
EXCEPT I'm NOT depressed. I dont want to die. I just want pain relief.
I want a doctor who is more concerned with my pain level than they are with fear of the DEA.
I want to be treated as a person not as a chart. For my symptoms to be acknowledged and treated not to be ignored or tested for one more thing.
I am at the end of my patience.
Again, I'm not depressed, I am physically SUFFERING. I dont spend hours thinking negatively about my situation, I am way to busy finding bathrooms. I DO spend every moment of my life in pain.
I have Interstitial Cystitis. An invisible debilitating disease that I've had since I was 16. Marked not only by the 60 + daytime and 20+ night time urination trips but by agonizing pain. Pain when you do not urinate every 10 minutes pain during urination pain after urination. Inflamed uretal opening from wiping so frequently. Kidney pain from always having a full never empty bladder.
No this is not depression I'm battling. To imply that is to imply that I am not really sick. I spend every day pretending to be okay for other peoples sake because they can not fathom what I endure. So dont you dare try to say my feelings are depression. No it's not depression. It's the realization of futility in my pain levels being taken seriously by doctors and my acknowledgement that I physically can not handle this pain any more.
Every time I see a new restriction on access to pain medications I cringe, even though I am not on any. Those restrictions guarantee I'll never have adequate relief from an incurable disease.
I've read so many endless pages of people crying out for relief and being told they have to quit being negative.
You know what? That's total bullshit. It's not negativity it's a reality of our bodies limitation. We are only human and we hurt. If every moment you are aware, of a severe pain that never goes away that is called BEING IN PAIN.
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